SONIagogy

Angela, 53

Individual Coaching · Referred by a friend

“I Thought He Was Blaming Me for Everything.”

When my relationship ended, I was convinced he blamed me for everything. Every conversation seemed to come back to what I was doing wrong, and honestly, I got so tired of hearing it that I stopped listening. I felt hurt, angry, and misunderstood.

A friend told me about Soniagogy. At first, I just wanted help making sense of what had happened. But what I started seeing was that I could tell you everything he did, yet I had a much harder time seeing myself.

I began noticing my tone, how quickly I interrupted, how often I defended myself before someone even finished talking, and how I made everything about proving my point.

That was hard to see. But it also gave me something I didn’t have before, a way forward.

Once I began recognizing my part and practicing new skills, I stopped feeling so stuck in the same story. I still believe he brought plenty to the mess, but now I can also see what I was bringing to the party.

And that changed how I move through every relationship now.

Michael & James

Couples Coaching · Referred by a friend

“The More I Tried to Talk, the More He Shut Down.”

We love each other, but we were driving each other crazy. Whenever something bothered me, I wanted to talk about it right then. James would get quiet or walk away, which made me feel like he didn’t care. So I’d follow him, ask more questions, and push harder. And he’d shut down even more.

A friend recommended Soniagogy. We met together first, then started doing individual work too. That’s when things began to change.

I started seeing that what I called communication was sometimes me pushing because I couldn’t handle the silence. James began seeing that shutting down may have helped him feel safe, but it was hurting our connection.

We started practicing different skills. I learned to give him space without automatically feeling rejected. James learned to say when he needed a break and to actually come back and finish the conversation.

We still disagree. We’re still different. But now we’re learning how to stop turning each other into the enemy.

And for the first time in a long time, it feels like we’re on the same team.

Daniel & Rebecca

Couples Coaching · Discovered Soniagogy through a social media video

“We Thought We Had a Communication Problem.”

We’d been married for 12 years, and somewhere along the way, every conversation started feeling like an argument waiting to happen. I would tell Daniel something was bothering me, and before I could finish, he’d start explaining himself. Then I’d get louder because I felt like he wasn’t listening, and he’d tell me I was attacking him.

We watched one of Chuy’s videos about how people can remember everything their partner said but barely notice their own reactions. We laughed at first because it sounded exactly like us.

Then we realized we were both doing it.

When we started Soniagogy, we met together first, then worked individually. I started recognizing how quickly my frustration showed up in my voice. Daniel began noticing that he was preparing his defense before I’d even finished speaking.

We learned to recognize what was happening in our bodies before the argument took over. The tight chest, the hot face, the urge to interrupt.

We still have disagreements. But now we’re practicing listening to understand instead of listening for something to argue against.

And you know what’s funny? We’re actually enjoying talking to each other again.

Thomas & Linda

Couples Coaching · Met Chuy at a community event

“We Stopped Fighting, but We Also Stopped Loving Each Other.”

We’ve been married for 26 years. Somewhere along the way, we stopped arguing. You’d think that was a good thing, right? Well, we also stopped talking about anything that mattered. We became roommates. We rarely touched, barely laughed together, and intimacy was something we remembered rather than experienced.

We met Chuy at an event, and he asked us something that stuck with me. “When you stopped fighting, did you actually resolve anything, or did you just stop talking about it?”

That question hit home.

When we started Soniagogy, we discovered we’d spent years practicing avoidance. I kept my feelings to myself because I didn’t want another argument. Thomas thought giving me space was keeping the peace.

We started learning to notice when we were uncomfortable and practice staying in conversations instead of escaping them. It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes we’d sit there with our hearts pounding, trying to put feelings into words we hadn’t used in years.

We’re still practicing. But we’re laughing again, touching each other more, and having conversations we used to avoid.

Turns out the love hadn’t necessarily disappeared. We’d just stopped practicing the things that helped us feel connected.

Robert & Susan

Couples Coaching · Met Chuy at a comedy show in Manteca, California

“We Could Laugh at a Comedy Show but Couldn’t Laugh Together at Home.”

We met Chuy at a comedy show in Manteca. Funny thing is, we’d been laughing all night, but on the drive there we’d argued over something so stupid I can’t even remember what it was.

We got to talking with Chuy, and somehow the conversation turned to relationships. He asked us, “How long have you two been having the same arguments?”

We looked at each other and laughed. Probably longer than we’d been married!

What caught our attention was when he asked how much time we’d spent practicing something different. Neither of us had an answer.

We started working with Soniagogy, meeting together first and then individually. I discovered how often I used sarcasm when I felt criticized. Susan began noticing how quickly she’d bring up something from five years ago when we disagreed.

We weren’t just arguing about what happened that day. We were dragging years of unresolved frustration into every conversation.

Learning to recognize our reactions while they were happening changed things. We started listening instead of keeping score, and practicing how to disagree without turning everything into a battle.

We still get on each other’s nerves. Hell, we’ve been together 19 years!

But now we can catch ourselves, laugh about some of our old habits, and actually work through disagreements.

And the best part? We’re having fun together again, even when there isn’t a comedian onstage.

David, 44

Individual Coaching · Met Chuy at an Online Meditation and Awareness Event

“I Thought My Girlfriend Was a Narcissist. Turns Out, I Didn’t Know What I Was Looking At.”

I met Chuy during an online meditation event he was hosting. It wasn’t your typical meditation where you just sit quietly and try to relax. He was teaching us to become aware of what was happening in our bodies and minds. The sensations, thoughts, emotions, and reactions we experience throughout the day but rarely pay attention to.

After the event, I stayed to talk with him about some problems I was having with my girlfriend. I told him I thought she was a narcissist because she checked practically every box on those social media lists.

He asked me how I knew she was a narcissist. I started listing everything she did. She got defensive, changed the subject, dismissed my feelings, and never seemed to take responsibility.

He listened and then told me something I wasn’t expecting. He said narcissistic personality disorder is relatively uncommon and that the behaviors I described weren’t enough to diagnose someone.

He sent me the actual clinical criteria and explained how professionals assess someone for NPD. Then he said something that stuck with me: “Those social media checklists can be garbage. They take ordinary human behaviors, give them a label, and convince you that you know who your partner is. And that can destroy a relationship.”

Then he asked me, “When your girlfriend gets defensive, what do you do? Do you stay calm? Do you interrupt? Raise your voice? Dismiss what she’s saying?”

I remember when he asked me that, it pissed me off.

I thought, what the hell? How is any of this my fault? She’s the one making me angry. She’s the one doing all these things, and now you’re telling me I’m the problem?

I didn’t say any of that out loud, but I was sure as hell thinking it.

And then something clicked.

I remembered what we’d just practiced during the meditation. Noticing what was happening in our bodies and minds without immediately reacting to it.

My chest was tight. I could feel my face getting warm. My thoughts were racing, and I was already arguing with Chuy in my head.

He hadn’t accused me of anything. He’d asked me a question, and my body was reacting as though I was being attacked.

That was uncomfortable to recognize.

I started wondering how often I did that with my girlfriend. How many times had she tried telling me something, and before she’d even finished, I was preparing my defense?

Shit. I hadn’t really thought about that.

I came to Chuy wanting to understand what was wrong with her. Instead, I started learning to recognize what was happening inside me and what I was bringing into those arguments.

I’m still learning. Sometimes I catch myself right away. Other times I don’t notice until afterward. But I’m practicing, and I’m getting better at recognizing those moments before they turn into another argument.

I’ve stopped trying to diagnose my girlfriend and started paying attention to the one person I can actually learn to change.

Me.

And that’s making a difference in how we talk to each other.

Angela, 53

Individual Coaching · Met Chuy After He Responded to Her Social Media Post

“What If I Was Wrong About My Ex?”

I was angry. I mean, really angry. My relationship had ended, and I was still carrying so much hurt that some days I couldn’t even think about him without feeling my chest tighten.

I started watching all these videos about narcissists, and holy shit, it was like somebody had been following us around with a camera. The gaslighting, the defensiveness, the dismissing my feelings, changing the subject, blaming me for everything. I could check off practically every box.

So I wrote a post about my ex and everything he’d put me through. People were agreeing with me, telling me I was lucky to get away, that narcissists never change, and that I deserved better.

And then this guy named Chuy responded.

He asked, “How do you know your ex was a narcissist?”

I thought, seriously? Did you not read what I wrote?

Then he asked something that really got under my skin.

“What if you’re wrong? What if he wasn’t a narcissist? What if he was someone with terrible conflict-resolution skills who was doing what people often do when they feel criticized, threatened, or misunderstood? What if he was protecting his identity because he didn’t know how to do anything else?”

I was pissed.

Here I was sharing how much this man had hurt me, and some stranger was asking me to reconsider what I believed about him.

I wanted to tell Chuy to go to hell.

But something about that question stayed with me.

What if I was wrong?

Not about the things my ex said or did. Those things happened. I remembered them. I lived through them.

But what if I was wrong about why he behaved that way?

We started talking, and Chuy explained something he called identity protection. He said that when people feel criticized, rejected, embarrassed, or afraid of being wrong, they can fall into behaviors they’ve been practicing for years.

Defending. Denying. Deflecting. Dismissing.

He called them the four D’s.

Then he asked me whether I’d ever done any of those things myself.

My first thought was, “Of course I have, but that’s different. I was reacting to what he did!”

And there it was.

I was defending myself while explaining why my ex was always defensive.

That realization didn’t feel good.

I started thinking about our arguments. I could remember his words almost perfectly. I remembered his tone, the look on his face, the way he’d roll his eyes when I tried talking to him.

But could I remember my own tone? How many times I interrupted him? Whether I rolled my eyes first? How often I brought up something he’d done three years earlier because I wanted him to understand how much he’d hurt me?

I couldn’t.

And that scared me a little.

Because I’d spent so much time studying him that I’d barely been paying attention to myself.

When I started working with Chuy, I realized how often I was still fighting with my ex in my head, even though we weren’t together anymore. I’d replay arguments while driving, lying in bed, even taking a shower. I’d get angry all over again at someone who wasn’t even in the room.

I was exhausted.

I began practicing how to notice what was happening inside me. The knot in my stomach, my jaw tightening, the thoughts that immediately told me someone was criticizing me.

I learned to recognize when I was preparing to defend myself before I’d even heard what the other person was saying.

And slowly, I started responding differently.

One of the hardest things I had to accept was that I could have been genuinely hurt by someone and still have behaviors of my own that needed changing.

I didn’t have to make my ex a good person to acknowledge that. And I didn’t have to make myself the bad person either.

I could just learn.

I’m not with him anymore, and I don’t know whether we could have repaired our relationship. But I do know something now that I didn’t know before.

I don’t want to bring the same version of myself into my next relationship.

I used to think healing meant finding someone who wouldn’t treat me the way he did.

Now I understand that part of healing is learning how I want to behave, especially when I’m hurt, angry, or afraid.

And you know what’s funny?

I thought Chuy was defending my ex.

Turns out, he was asking me to get curious about myself.

That’s something nobody in those comment sections had asked me to do.